The Lazy Ramblings Of A Lazy Man (On Babies)

The Man Down My Local (11).png

I was recently introduced to the Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Fellow by Jerome K Jerome. The book consists of 14 essays on 14 topics

  1. ON BEING IDLE.
  2. ON BEING IN LOVE.
  3. ON BEING IN THE BLUES.
  4. ON BEING HARD UP.
  5. ON VANITY AND VANITIES.
  6. ON GETTING ON IN THE WORLD.
  7. ON THE WEATHER.
  8. ON CATS AND DOGS.
  9. ON BEING SHY.
  10. ON BABIES.
  11. ON EATING AND DRINKING.
  12. ON FURNISHED APARTMENTS.
  13. ON DRESS AND DEPORTMENT.
  14. ON MEMORY.

Jerome K Jerome is pretty much me down to a tee. He’s lazy and just writes whatever comes to mind. He doesn’t care who he offends, and I often felt that he may have been somewhat high when he picked up the pen. But Mr Jerome has inspired me, so I am going to be writing a series of posts on the topics that Mr Jerome turned his hand at. (I know I’m ripping the guy off, but quite frankly I don’t care).

On Babies

I have a child, she’s a baby, she’s cute as hell, but I tell you now, she has definitely put me off having more children, she’s loud and smelly, and given the amount that I find in her nappy, she seems to defy the laws of mass displacement.

Babies are hard work, they require constant attention, they require food, and clothing, before having a child if I wanted to wallow in my own filth without having a proper meal for a week, it wouldn’t matter (except maybe to those who had to smell me) but I can’t do that now, I have to make sure that a whole other person is fed and bathed and presented in a manner that doesn’t bring shame on my whole family.

Then there are other peoples babies, god I hate those little bastards, they’re loud, they smell, and you can’t give them a clip round the head, in fact come to think of it other peoples children are a really good argument for the extinction of the species as a whole. And then there’s the way that you have to coo over newborns whilst saying how much like one of their parents the thing looks like, when in fact they look like a slightly red faced pug, all squashed up from nine months with their face buried in a placenta. And lord help you if you can’t tell the gender, if you refer to a newborn as it, you will undoubtedly feel the wrath of both parents descend upon you like the locusts descended upon the upper kingdom. On top of all this people seem fascinated by new babies, in spite of the fact that they don’t really do anything.

The other thing I’ve noticed since having a child, is that there really are a large number of really ugly babies out there, a huge amount. I’m no oil painting (maybe the kind painted by Edvard Munch or Hieronymus Bosch), but seriously.

This is the tenth in a series of posts ripping off the work of Mr Jerome K Jerome and his seminal piece The Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Man.

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