Dr Brexit (Or How I Learnt To Stop Worrying & Love The Abomination)

So that happened. The people of the United Kingdom (but not Northern Ireland) voted to leave the EU. After months of muck slinging and misinformation Britain narrowly voted to leave the European Union. This left Prime Minister David Cameron to be the first politician to keep a promise as he resigned his premiership , thus triggering a short leadership contest best described as mother doesn’t know best.

As well as this the Labour Party seems to be determined to simultaneously implode and rip itself apart, with the majority of  party MP’s wanting to remove “leader” Jeremy Corbyn from power and Mr Corbyn refusing to leave office triggering a party wide leadership election based on the Vladimir Putin electoral system.

Add into this 6000 extra reported hate crimes that have been logged since the Brexit vote was cast, the fluctuation of the markets that look like a cutaway diagram of Wales, and several declarations of  war on the baby boom generation,  this whole thing is beginning to sound like some sort of satirical farce, one can almost hear Malcolm Tucker exclaiming CHRIST ON A BENDY BUS whilst R.E.M plays in the background.

This is why after a month of anger, bitterness and depression I’ve decided to see the funny side of Brexit. So here are some of the funniest/ stupidest things I’ve seen regarding Brexit after polling day:

  • Google reports the most popular (non porn) search the day of the Brexit results was “What is the EU?
  • After being urged to vote leave by J.D Wetherspoon’s founder Tim Martin the firm lost £18,Million in value thanks to the post brexit slump.
  • An odious man of my acquaintance (whom I will not name for legal reasons) who campaigned strongly for brexit has now found himself fired from a leading academic establishment (which I will not name for said same legal reasons) because his position was paid for by a European Grant.
  • Proposals are now being drawn up by various special interest groups to cease the subsidising of public transport for the over 60’s in Wales in order to make up the shortfall of European Money coming into Wales (almost 80% of over 60’s in Wales voted to leave the EU)

Do you have any examples of poetic justice stemming from the post brexit fallout currently engulfing the UK?

(A) Tax on Femininity

Women really do have it so much worse off than men. They go through nine months of hell just to keep the species alive and for every month that they don’t they are rewarded with a weeks worth of blood soaked agony and hormonal imbalance. And to add insult to injury when they try to do something to sanitise this geyser of haemoglobin that comes monthly they are taxed for the privilege.

Dubbed the tampon tax (although applying to all feminine hygiene products) this is a reduced rate of value added tax (VAT) set at 5% which is set by the European Union (not the UK government). Now after doing a quick sweep of the local supermarket (and being a bloke I may be wrong) but the average price for a tampon or sanitary pad is between £1-£3 depending on brand and the particular function.

Now assuming all women show a sense of frugality and get through 1 pack a month that brings in a total of £0.05 per woman per month in taxation. Or put into real terms the government brings in approximately £20 million in a fiscal year. £20 million is a lot of money and in callous terms I can see why any government would drag its heels when it comes to losing that amount of revenue, but this isn’t about the money its about the principal of the thing. Why should a whole gender be taxed for the process that keeps the whole human race alive?

I as a cynic can’t help but think that if it were men who were the recipients of mother natures monthly gift not only would sanitary products not be taxed but they would be free on the national health service and period pain would be seen as a genuine excuse to miss work, and I can guarantee that the lads down my local would be comparing flow as a badge of honour and swapping embarrassing stories “my flow was so heavy last night I thought I was gonna pass out from loss of blood” or something like “I was dancing with this fit bird in a club in my cream chinos and it started, completely ruined my calvin’s…top banter“. Not that I’m asking to receive a period any time soon.

now being completely honest I’m not a feminist (not a misogynist either for that matter) but even I think this is a pretty sexist way to raise money. If you feel like doing something about this why not sign this petition. And call on the European Union to stop trying to snatch money for an essential product.

What Has Europe Ever Done For Me

eu flag

One thing that was a key campaign point during the general election was the question of The United Kingdom’s continued membership of the European Union. Now must people down my local haven’t got a clue what the EU is for and don’t have a clue what the EU does beyond straightening bananas. So here is a little bit of info that you can mull over before making a decision on referendum day.

  • The European Union is a socio-economic/ political union of 28 member states
  • The EU operates through a number of institutions and through intergovernmental decision making in order to form EU policy.
  • The institutions of the EU include the European commission, the European Parliament and the European Council, along with the Court of Justice of the European Union, The Council of the European Union and the European Central Bank
  • The EU operates a system of four freedoms, which mean the free movement of goods, services, money and European citizens between member states
  • EU policies seek to enact legislation in criminal justice and home affairs and maintain common policies on trade, agriculture, fisheries and regional development
  • The EU has a combined GDP of £12.5 trillion and is the biggest economy in the world.

    Members of the European Union

Now that’s all lovely talking about GDP and movement of capital but what has the EU ever done for the bloke (or the bird) in the street.  Well:

  • Easy travel, no longer do I have to fanny about in customs or worry if I’ve got the right currency because 19 European countries all take euro’s. On top of that if I were to get sick with some foreign illness, I wouldn’t have to worry about a hefty hospital bill like I would if I were in the states.
  • Food labelling, thanks to being in the EU I now know exactly what is in my food, and then its up to me to make the decision about eating it.
  • Paid leave from work. Because of the EU working time directive every British worker is entitled to 4 weeks paid holiday and 11 hours rest in every 24 hours.
  • Equal pay between men and women all came from European legislation
  • A minimum wage, whilst Tony Blaire and his descendents will claim that they introduced the minimum wage, which is nominally true, it in fact stemmed from a European directive .

and on top of all that the EU also pumps millions of pounds into depressed areas in the UK , without which trying to get public funding for anything in the South Wales Valleys of the North of England would be next to impossible.