The Lazy Ramblings of A Lazy Guy (On Being Idle)

 

The Man Down My Local (1).pngI was recently introduced to the Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Fellow by Jerome K Jerome. The book consists of 14 essays on 14 topics

  1. ON BEING IDLE.
  2. ON BEING IN LOVE.
  3. ON BEING IN THE BLUES.
  4. ON BEING HARD UP.
  5. ON VANITY AND VANITIES.
  6. ON GETTING ON IN THE WORLD.
  7. ON THE WEATHER.
  8. ON CATS AND DOGS.
  9. ON BEING SHY.
  10. ON BABIES.
  11. ON EATING AND DRINKING.
  12. ON FURNISHED APARTMENTS.
  13. ON DRESS AND DEPORTMENT.
  14. ON MEMORY.

Jerome K Jerome is pretty much me down to a tee. He’s lazy and just writes whatever comes to mind. He doesn’t care who he offends, and I often felt that he may have been somewhat high when he picked up the pen. But Mr Jerome has inspired me, so I am going to be writing a series of posts on the topics that Mr Jerome turned his hand at. (I know I’m ripping the guy off, but quite frankly I don’t care)

On Being Idle

Laziness is both a blessing and a curse, there is nothing more satisfying than spending a day lazing about on the sofa, especially when you know that there are plenty of more important things that you could be doing, and therein lies the curse. Having to put aside that bliss, can prove difficult and indeed a real hardship and can even lead to outright resentment. Or at least this is how I feel. I’ve now reached the point where I actually hate to have to do things. When people interrupt my doing nothing I really do get a little bit angry about the whole thing.

Since the advent of the internet the whole staying in thing really has taken off, with the world of online streaming services and takeaway foods that you don’t even have to speak to people to get, the world of insular laziness has actually become more and more of a easy thing to achieve.

Laziness and indeed idleness itself is a state of mind, its where you sacrifice any sort of social life just to achieve the pleasure that comes from doing nothing. It’s hard to get into the head space required to want to do nothing but watch Game of Thrones in your pants while eating cereal straight from the box.

There are some people who couldn’t be lazy if their lives depended on it. They just lack that lack of drive. They have too much motivation, too much determination to just get things done. The world would stop without those people, without them we wouldn’t have anything. But thanks to those people the rest of us, those lazy fellows can enjoy the things those great enablers have given us. Thanks to them we can vegetate until we fuse to with our sofas, until bed sores set in and until we have to wash ourselves with rags on sticks.

6cd24fc01d4a91665df7b9b6429418a3664d9158b6b24f562b09d22d05356bf2.jpg

The world takes a dim view of laziness, but to those who say this is say to you…meh I’ll tell you later.

 

This is the first in series of posts ripping off the work of Mr Jerome K Jerome and his seminal piece The Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Man. 

Dr Brexit (Or How I Learnt To Stop Worrying & Love The Abomination)

So that happened. The people of the United Kingdom (but not Northern Ireland) voted to leave the EU. After months of muck slinging and misinformation Britain narrowly voted to leave the European Union. This left Prime Minister David Cameron to be the first politician to keep a promise as he resigned his premiership , thus triggering a short leadership contest best described as mother doesn’t know best.

As well as this the Labour Party seems to be determined to simultaneously implode and rip itself apart, with the majority of  party MP’s wanting to remove “leader” Jeremy Corbyn from power and Mr Corbyn refusing to leave office triggering a party wide leadership election based on the Vladimir Putin electoral system.

Add into this 6000 extra reported hate crimes that have been logged since the Brexit vote was cast, the fluctuation of the markets that look like a cutaway diagram of Wales, and several declarations of  war on the baby boom generation,  this whole thing is beginning to sound like some sort of satirical farce, one can almost hear Malcolm Tucker exclaiming CHRIST ON A BENDY BUS whilst R.E.M plays in the background.

This is why after a month of anger, bitterness and depression I’ve decided to see the funny side of Brexit. So here are some of the funniest/ stupidest things I’ve seen regarding Brexit after polling day:

  • Google reports the most popular (non porn) search the day of the Brexit results was “What is the EU?
  • After being urged to vote leave by J.D Wetherspoon’s founder Tim Martin the firm lost £18,Million in value thanks to the post brexit slump.
  • An odious man of my acquaintance (whom I will not name for legal reasons) who campaigned strongly for brexit has now found himself fired from a leading academic establishment (which I will not name for said same legal reasons) because his position was paid for by a European Grant.
  • Proposals are now being drawn up by various special interest groups to cease the subsidising of public transport for the over 60’s in Wales in order to make up the shortfall of European Money coming into Wales (almost 80% of over 60’s in Wales voted to leave the EU)

Do you have any examples of poetic justice stemming from the post brexit fallout currently engulfing the UK?

Foreign Secretary, A Eunuch Experience

Unless you’ve been living under a rock ( and under the circumstance this seems a rather sensible option) you’ll know that after voting to leave the European Union (I’m not bitter) the Labour Party has been in turmoil with members of Her Majesties Loyal Opposition finally uniting behind Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn (albeit in the same way Brutus et al united behind Julius Caesar) and that in the same time the Conservative Party has managed to stage a leadership contest and swear in a new Prime Minister following David Cameron’s resignation.

After a very brief leadership race the Conservative Party has selected The Right Honourable Theresa May MP as the new Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. After being asked to form a government by Her Majesty the Queen, Mrs May got straight to work picking her new cabinet most of the choices were fairly sound but the one that drew most controversy was the appointment of former London Mayor Boris Johnson MP as Secretary of State for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

Boris Johnson
Secretary of State For The Foreign and Commonwealth Office: The Rt Hon Boris Johnson MP

Boris Johnson was one of the leading figures of the Brexit movement (the campaign to leave the European Union) and as such was tipped to replace David Cameron as the next Prime Minister. He enjoyed much media notoriety as Mayor of London, his blonde haired buffonish charm and unapologetic upper class demeanour make him somewhat of a marmite figure across the country, but lying behind the Etonian oaf exterior is a political acumen sharp enough to cut glass.

When David Cameron stood down as Prime Minister, thus making the fallout from Brexit his successors problem, Boris, knowing this, decided to bide his time as most from the Brexit camp saw the premiership as a poisoned chalice. So when Theresa May became Prime Minister Boris had to be given a top job purely because his campaigning and media profile demanded it. Mrs May knows that she had to give Boris a cabinet position because as dangerous as having Boris in the cabinet is, he would be more dangerous as a back bencher.

Now that brings us to the position Mr Johnson was actually given, Foreign Secretary. You may ask what does Foreign Secretary do? The answer is not much. He may have a whole department to run but Mr Johnson has become the most powerful eunuch in Whitehall. Most major foreign policy decisions are made by the Prime Minister, most diplomatic actions are taken by ambassadors and other civil servants and now international trade has a new secretary of state and whole new department, and even Brexit, the most important foreign policy of a generation is being handled by its own department.

So what does that leave for Mr Johnson? Not much. He is now essentially The Secretary of State for Taking Blame, whenever British troops are killed in the middle east, he’ll be trotted out to sweat on question time, or when British Tourists are killed abroad he’ll be the one saying how sorry the government is. From the Prime Ministers point of view she can also send him abroad when and if he starts making a nuisance of himself in the press, or if it looks like he’s getting a little to popular among the back benches any number of foreign crises can be arranged.

I think that its clear to see that Mrs May subscribes to the theory that anyone who says keep your friends close but your enemies closer clearly doesn’t have many enemies.

The Politics of Star Wars

star wars

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away….those are the words that started the entrapment of a million imaginations. In 1977 George Lucas introduced us to a universe of wonders on a scale never before seen on the big screen. In this universe of wonder and excitement a complex back story of history and interwoven character arcs has led to the development of a whole mythos of Grecian proportions.

As this is first and foremost a political blog today I’m going to take a look at the political system that governs that galaxy far far away.

During the Old Republic the galaxy was governed by a United Nations like body called the Senate comprised of delegations from all member planets of the Galactic Republic and forms a nominal constitutional democracy with an elected chancellor as its head. Senators received one vote in all matters both procedural and substantive. The Chancellor was elected from within the Senate for a set term, with the Senate able to give the Chancellor emergency powers as well as remove him or her from office when necessary. The last elected chancellor was the former senator of Naboo senator Palpatine following the crisis that ensued by the Trade Federations illegal blockade and occupation of Naboo.

star wars senate

Traditionally, the Chancellor could only serve a limited amount of time; however, Palpatine stayed in office much longer, due to the prolonged Separatist Crisis as well as the threat posed by the “Jedi Rebellion.” The crisis occurred when several of the Republic’s member Star Systems and organizations united in order to separate from the Republic. Thanks to representative Jar Jar Binks of Naboo (yes that Jar Jar Binks) the senate granted Chancellor Palpatine emergency powers which led to the creation of a clone army, the Death Star and managed to cement Palpatine as first Emperor of the Galactic Empire.

 

emperor Palpatine
Emperor Palpatine

With the help of his ally Grand Moff Tarkin and Padawan Darth Vader the newly crowned Emperor Palpatine dissolved the senate to the all but powerless advisory “Imperial Senate” before disbanding it completely, through the use of militaristic policies The Emperor crushed the separatist movement and the majority of the Jedi uprising.  Palpatine ruled with absolute authority until the battle of Yavin when the First Death Star was destroyed and the Rebel Alliance began recruiting in massive numbers until eventually when the second Death Star was destroyed following the battle of Endor leading to the restoration of democracy and the death of the Emperor.

death-star-explosion

I hope this fills you in on the political landscape of the galaxy far far away.

 

Blowing Your Own Trump(et)

Having taken a little break from blogging due to my health (I’ll live), I’m back with some new rambling self indulgence. In the past I’ve tried to keep this blog free from taking sides in elections or when it comes to party politics, but given the crap that comes out of his mouth, I can’t not talk about Donald Trump.

Donald_Trump_
Donald Trump

Its like something out of a satirical work of fiction where a massively racist right-wing, real estate mogul, reality TV star is now the front runner for the Republican nomination for president of The United States of America. This man, who has been declared bankrupt four times, could possibly be the next person in charge of the second largest economy in the world. During the course of his campaign Mr Trump has managed to offend Muslims, Mexicans and even major players within the Republican Party.

One of the Apprentice (US) hosts policies is a ban on Muslims entering the the United States and some form of identification for all Muslim Americans (I would suggest a six pointed star, but I think someone may have already used it). Basically Trump is saying that all members of the Muslim community are terrorists, which is absolutely ridiculous, by Mr Trumps own logic, all white Christian Americans are members of the Ku Klux Klan and that all Irish People are part of the IRA.

Now leaving aside the obvious parallels between the 2016 US Elections and the German elections of 1932 (and another prolific racist with a comb over), fellow members of the Republican Party have been condemning Trump left, right and centre, but trumps policies aren’t just old hand me downs from 80 years ago, they’re genuine antiques from the 2,200 year old Ming dynasty. Yes that’s right one of would be president Donald Trump’s policies is the building of a giant wall spanning the length of America’s southern most border. And why? Because according to trump most Mexican’s are all drug smuggling rapists.

The worst part of this is that people seem to be responding to this, as Trump is now the favourite to win the Republican Nomination (with a projected win of 8%), I have to ask is this the beginning of some Orwellian nightmare or the climax of some form of practical joke? or to quote R.E.M is this the end of the world as we know it? And could the world be facing the Premiership of President Trump?

I have to ask how this has happened? You may think that Mr Trump has a right to say whatever he wants because of freedom of speech (which unfortunately in the US he does, as enshrined in the US Constitution) however if he were standing in the UK I do feel that he would be facing charges for inciting racial hatred under section Section 29 (A) of the Racial and Religious Hatred Act (2006).

So here’s hoping that the democrats do well.

iSIS

Over the past few weeks the terrorist group ISIS has been busy with an attack in Paris, Beirut and Mali. With death tolls in their hundreds and the world rallying its support for the victims, ISIS definitely has Great Britain’s attention.

pray for paris

But who are ISIS and what do they want?

isis-flag
The Flag of The So Called Islamic State

the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is an extremist militant group, self-proclaimed to be a caliphate (Islamic government) and Islamic state. It is led by and mainly composed of Sunni Arabs from Iraq and Syria. As of March 2015, it has control over territory occupied by 10 million people in Iraq and Syria, and through loyal local groups, has control over small areas of Libya, Nigeria and Afghanistan. The group also operates or has affiliates in other parts of the world, including North Africa and South Asia.

Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi
Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi

The group proclaimed itself to be a worldwide caliphate, with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi being named its caliph (Leader)As a caliphate, it claims religious, political and military authority over all Muslims worldwide, and that the legality of all emirates, groups, states, and organisations, becomes nullified by the expansion of the caliphate’s authority and arrival of its troops to their areas. The group originated as Jama’at al-Tawhid wal-Jihad in 1999, which pledged allegiance to al-Qaeda in 2004. The group participated in the Iraqi insurgency that followed the March 2003 invasion of Iraq by Western forces. In January 2006, it joined other Sunni insurgent groups to form the Mujahideen Shura Council, which proclaimed the formation of the Islamic State of Iraq (ISI) in October 2006.

After the Syrian Civil War began in March 2011, the ISI, under the leadership of al-Baghdadi, sent delegates into Syria in August 2011. These fighters named themselves the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria and established a large presence in Sunni-majority areas of Syria

After an eight-month power struggle, al-Qaeda cut all ties with ISIS in February 2014, citing its failure to consult and “notorious intransigence”. In Syria, the group has conducted ground attacks on both government forces and rebel factions in the Syrian Civil War. The group gained prominence after it drove Iraqi government forces out of key cities in western Iraq in an offensive initiated in early 2014.

This map highlights the countries of Iraq, Syria and Turkey. Called out are the cities of Mosul and Kobani. The area of ISIS controlled or contested territory is highlighted in red.
This map highlights the countries of Iraq, Syria and Turkey. Called out are the cities of Mosul and Kobani. The area of ISIS controlled or contested territory is highlighted in red.

Muslim leaders around the world have condemned ISIL’s ideology and actions, arguing that the group has strayed overwhelmingly from the path of true Islam and that its actions do not reflect the religion’s true teachings or virtues. It is my feeling that those who would take something as beautiful and good as Islam and twist it and try to justify such horrors have strayed so far from the true path and teachings of the Prophet Mohamed that there is no hope for them. I’m not even a religious person (a catholic primary school beats that out of you) and it just astounds me that anyone could use teachings on how to live a loving and peaceful life, and a life full of charity, could ever find a way to use Islam to justify a single act of terror let alone this whole war. No true Muslim could do this.

The Qur'an The Holy Book Of Islam
The Qur’an The Holy Book Of Islam

And while the world is focused on these attacks in Paris and Mali and Beirut, I cant help but wonder what is coming next? Sun-Tzu teaches that shows of strength and force are often feints to distract from the subtleties associated with warfare, and in this modern age of technology could these brazen displays of terror be hiding darker acts of cyber terrorism?

Ted Koppel

In his book Lights Out  A Cyberattack, a Nation Unprepared, Surviving the Aftermath the anchor of Nightline Mr Ted Koppel has set out a bleak vision of an unprepared government in the event of a cyberattack on the 3 main power grids within the United States. His book looks at what plans are in place by the US Government and finds the results worrying, with interviews with cabinet members and those ready to take their own action in the event of an attack Mr Koppel has certainly opened my eyes the dangers that we face in the modern world. A coordinated cyberattack on the Bank of England or the NHS could destroy the British economy and plunge this country into anarchy.

cropped-london

It just goes to show that in this modern age of laptop computers and personal tablets that the stylus is mightier than the sword and the knee jerk reaction may be to throw a tonne of money and half as many bombs into the middle east but I implore our government to be smart, the last thing that the middle east needs is yet another invading army, what is best for Britain is that we get our house in order (and I don’t mean silence during PMQ’s) strengthening Britain’s cyber defences is the safest thing for the British People, the biggest threat isn’t going to be a dozen blokes with bomb filled backpacks it’s going to be the spotty specky guy that was picked on in school and couldn’t get a girlfriend, but is oh so good with computers, and they’ll be working night and day on new ways to spread the “vision”that has taken a hold of them.

Guy Fawkes and Guy Fakes

Remember remember the Fifth of November, the gunpowder, treason and plot.Guy Fawkes

I take a lot of pride in the history of Britain, but one of the main things that baffles me is that year on year every 5th of November we celebrate the life of a terrorist…although burning his effigy isn’t exactly a glorious tribute.
In recent years Guy Fawkes has become a folk hero and his image is a used as a symbol for anti government feelings and a voice of civil discontent. Works such as Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta have romanticised Guy Fawkes as a freedom fighter trying to throw of the yoke of a totalitarian autocracy. In the Graphic Novel the eponymous V takes up the mantle of Guy Fawkes in order to overthrow a fascist dictatorship that has swamped Britain in an almost Orwellian dystopia. It is worth mentioning that one of the most prevalent images associated with Guy Fawkes now is the mask of V from V for Vendetta and is now even the symbol of online hacktivists and vigilante group Anonymous.
V for Vendetta
But here’s the rub Guy Fawkes wasn’t actually anti government, he wasn’t even anti monarchy, he was just anti King James the 1st. The reason that Guy Fawkes chose Westminster Palace was fairly simple, firstly it was accessible from the river, secondly the labyrinth of cellars provided a decent hiding place and thirdly it was a place he knew the king would be. The initial bombing was planned for the state opening of parliament an event in public during which the king would have to be in attendance and stay for the duration. Guy Fawkes actually had a great admiration for the work of government and the only reason he was caught was that he was stupid enough to warn a member of the House of Lords about what was going to happen. And the rest is history.

Guy-fawkes-1
So how has Guy Fawkes gone on to become the symbol of anti government feeling? Well blowing up parliament will do that. But in this day and age Guy Fawkes is seen as the last honest man to enter parliament (a claim which I find highly insulting). I think that sometimes though it’s nice to have a reminder of what people are capable of when they are unhappy with the status quo and whilst I don’t agree with his cause and certainly don’t agree with his methods I think that Guy Fawkes does symbolise that sometimes the actions of those in charge need to be questioned and that positions of power are only as stable as the people that put them there.

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