Worst Disney Films That I’ve Ever Had To Suffer

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My little girl loves princess films, and as you can probably guess, the Disney back catalogue has featured prominently in my life since Marianna has learnt the names of the princesses that feature in these features.

But there are some that stick out as really, truly awful pieces of cinema, so here are the worst Disney films that I had to suffer.

Pocahontas 

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Urgh this film is just awful, even if we ignore all the historical inaccuracies, the sound track is lacking anything worth mentioning and the story isn’t an engaging one, I guess this is what happens when Disney try to re write history rather than re writing the Brothers Grimm.

The Hunchback Of Notre Dame

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I must admit, when I first saw this as a kid it couldn’t hold my interest, and as an adult who doesn’t resemble an oil painting (except maybe the scream) I feel that the film puts to much emphasis on looks, and again is lacking anything in the way of soundtrack.

Snow White

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Unmarried teenager who lives with seven blokes, whilst I don’t want to go slut shaming Snow White… Slag. All through this film, all I was thinking about, was where is Snow White’s Father in all this? Surely if the guy took a bit of notice of what was going on in his daughters life, this whole cycle of underage teenager running away with men could have been avoided.

Frozen 

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I don’t know whether it was because this film was so hyped up of what, but I hated it, absolutely loathed it, the catchy song was not enough to save it.

The Little Mermaid 

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This was in my wife’s words annoying, from the songs, to the story, to the acting, right the way down to the just massively superfluous characters (seriously what was the point of the bright yellow fish?)

 

The Science Of A Magic Carpet Ride

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Earlier today I watched Disney’s Aladdin while taking my daughter to visit my parents. What first struck me, was how racist and culturally insensitive parts of the film were. The second thing that struck me was how fantastic the late great Robin Williams was as the Genie. Then the third thing that struck me was that during the magic carpet ride Aladdin and Princess Jasmine started in the Middle East, fly through Greece (or a country sporting Grecian architecture) before ending their evening watching fireworks in China. Not only this but during the course of the magic carpet ride a couple of loop the loops are performed. How both parties don’t fall off is a little beyond me, but my main theory beyond it plainly being magic is that this is an example of centripetal force.  Centripetal force is a force that makes a body follow a curved path, a good example is lifting a coin into a cup without touching it.

How they got from the Middle East to Greece to China and back in one night is something that I am having trouble explaining. Most commercial jets will fly at about 550 miles per hour (210 miles per hour above the speed of sound)  now it would take about four hours to fly from Turkey to Greece one way, and given that Greece is in the opposite direction to china that’s eight hours of travel to begin with, then add on that the 10 hours that it would take to get from Turkey to China and that makes 28 hours of travel time at over 200 mph over the speed of sound, with no protection from the elements whatsoever. In order to do that journey in one night (12 hours at most) they would have had to fly at approximately 1500 mph or mach 2. Without protection, travelling at that speed would, undoubtedly, have caused sever internal injuries, or even death.

Another explanation is that Aladdin and Princess Jasmine were away for several days, which would also explain the negative reaction from the Sultans forces upon their arrival back in sunny Agrabah

The Lazy Ramblings Of A Lazy Guy (On Being In Love)

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I was recently introduced to the Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Fellow by Jerome K Jerome. The book consists of 14 essays on 14 topics

  1. ON BEING IDLE.
  2. ON BEING IN LOVE.
  3. ON BEING IN THE BLUES.
  4. ON BEING HARD UP.
  5. ON VANITY AND VANITIES.
  6. ON GETTING ON IN THE WORLD.
  7. ON THE WEATHER.
  8. ON CATS AND DOGS.
  9. ON BEING SHY.
  10. ON BABIES.
  11. ON EATING AND DRINKING.
  12. ON FURNISHED APARTMENTS.
  13. ON DRESS AND DEPORTMENT.
  14. ON MEMORY.

Jerome K Jerome is pretty much me down to a tee. He’s lazy and just writes whatever comes to mind. He doesn’t care who he offends, and I often felt that he may have been somewhat high when he picked up the pen. But Mr Jerome has inspired me, so I am going to be writing a series of posts on the topics that Mr Jerome turned his hand at. (I know I’m ripping the guy off, but quite frankly I don’t care)

On Being In Love 

Have you ever seen someone and known that they would be a terrible distraction to your life. That was how I would describe it, that feeling of knowing that this person is going to really change your life. That knowledge that this is going to be massively inconvenient.

That’s how it all begins then you slip into it, the early days are all wine and dinner and flowers and dancing, but then comes the big pants and netflix, the cups of tea, the farting and the lack of make up, if you can get through that, that is true love. The enduring real world version of the thing.

Foreigner wanted to know what love is, well its two people who have decided to just give up and settle with each other because they find the other person somewhat less detestable than the rest of humanity, that my friends is love.

This is the second in series of posts ripping off the work of Mr Jerome K Jerome and his seminal piece The Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Man.

 

The Magic Kingdom Has Fallen (Why The Disney Castle Doesn’t Work)

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Over the last few days I’ve been watching numerous Disney films with Marianna and her mother. As I’m sure most of you know, that at the beginning of pretty much every Disney film you see the image of Cinderella Castle, the Disney Logo, and it just struck me, that as a castle, it really doesn’t work.

Castles were built for a number of purposes, such as displays of wealth or as an architectural legacy, and for these purposes the Disney castle does hit the mark. Architecturally it borrows heavily from inspirations such as  Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria and The Alcázar of Segovia which both exhibit a flamboyant gothic style that the Disney Castle is known for, but both have what the Disney castle lacks. Natural protection.

The main purpose of castles is protection and this is one thing that the Disney castle is sorely lacking. Whilst protected by a moat and 10 inch thick reinforced wall that encircles the castle, the approach is flat and over 200 miles from Florida’s famed swamp land, the everglades. The moat is crossed by a concrete bridge rather than a drawbridge so does not lend to protection, however it was designed to withstand the tumultuous Florida hurricane season. Its construction and placement lend little in the way of protection from advancing armies.

In its favour the round smooth design of the towers (27 in total) would lead some protection from cannonballs, more likely to glance off a rounded wall than a square, this became the architectural norm following the advent of the cannon for just such an eventuality. As well as this rounded towers are also more resistant to undermining, due to the way in which they are constructed.

Based on the design and relative accessibility however the Disney Castle could probably be taken over by a dozen men with climbing spikes, or a dozen kids with day passes, either way.